Confessions and Profound Thoughts

With about 9 weeks to go I'm already starting to reflect on the past 8-9 months and I felt like writing my thoughts down. This year has been a series of ups and downs, a bit like a rollercoaster some would say. I'm now at the point of feeling quite scared of leaving what I know here, to going back to a place which probably hasn't changed much but maybe the people will seem different to me and I will seem different to them. I'm not just talking about the physical differences either, of present me who has rather curly, feral hair from the humidity and an extra several kgs that I can't hide from anymore. I can blame Malaysia for these changes but there are some positive changes in my life values and priorities too. I guess I will know more of these changes when I return, especially how terrible my English has become. I can see now that every exchange is different and everyone has their own problems to deal with. AFS here really pushes having goals, achieving them, host family relationship and the language. Maybe I came here with some unrealistic goals or I just changed them later on, I think I may go back with some regrets but I will try not to. Some of the things that seemed important at the start don't seem so important anymore. I remember earlier in the year when I felt so depressed, so alone and so patriotic about Australia. I can't remember exactually when my low times were but I know they were sometime after my oldest host brother left, when I had very little to do and too much communication with Australia. I was also quite depressed after the old batch(July-June) exchange students left and I had this feeling that I had been depressed all year. But I can now think of some great things I've done and seen, that make everything seem worthwhile. And I know now more than ever that those things AFS push so much are not the things I will remember. If I die tomorrow I'm not going to be thinking 'I wish I had studied Malay in my free time and stayed home more so I could spend an extra 5 minutes with my host family who work 6 days a week'. I know I will be thinking 'I'm glad I spent as much time as I could with those wonderful people from Germany, Denmark, Australia, Finland, Belgium, Spain, Greenland and Malaysia'. These people have really made an impact on my life and I don't want to think about that I probably would have gone home if it wasn't for them. The Malaysians have been so friendly and I've spent so many hours with them at school but I will always feel closer and more like myself around the other exchange students. I have a feeling that I will feel more alone that ever when I go back and no one will know the other exchange students.
As much as some of those crazy times with the other exchange students annoyed AFS, I would never change what we did. If it was taking 2 weeks off school during exams, going to Singapore with no Malaysia exit stamp even if it was just for 4 hours, lying on the beach in the middle of the night on a tropical island, sitting outside the 2nd tallest building in the world at 3am, eating icecream while drinking cocktails and smoking shisha. It was all worth it and I will always look back at those days and smile.
Even if I do come back to Malaysia, things will never be the same and I guess that is what scares me the most. This year has really made me think about the future and priorities in life. It is so important to see the world, I will miss out on so much if I don't. I have learnt so much about myself, my culture, other cultures and religions. There is something special about having the opportunity to live in a muslim country while still being myself. There is something great about living in a place with a mosque, a church, a chinese restaurant, a nightclub and a 24 hour Malay food stall all in one city. There is so much hidden from host families, natural families and AFS, the thoughts, ideas, the depression, the crazy nights out and how we really feel. Maybe this is why a long-term exchange student can always connect in some way to another, no matter the location.
I do know how important safety and insurance is with AFS and in today's world it seems like everything is taking some sort of risk. The host family is a huge part of the exchange and if you're lucky enough to get one that you really conect with, everything will be so much easier.
Even with the different ways of life, cultures and lanugages I found ways to connect to Malaysians here. Maybe it was sport, music, books, hollywood movies, food or the world, I feel I had some interesting conversations with people of all ages. I think this year really taught me to appreciate what I have, Australia, supportive loving friends and irreplacable parents. I have really learnt about family values and the role of money and the father in Asian families. I now see the beauty of Tasmania after seeing the way buildings and the environment in Malaysia are not respected. But after getting up so early for school here, I really must say the sunrise can be very beautiful...